


a goldfish in a bowl

by gwangmyungboy



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Medical, Doctors & Physicians, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Lee Taeyong/Nakamoto Yuta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-09
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:08:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22631581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gwangmyungboy/pseuds/gwangmyungboy
Summary: "have you heard a fact about goldfish?"the warm sun light which is creeping up taeil’s left cheek gives him a sense of comfort, “it has been said that goldfish only has seven seconds of memory,” taeil stares at youngho’s fingers which are fumbling with his own, “after seven seconds, everything becomes new again.” the movement on his hand stops.taeil eyes youngho warily, he gives the taller hesitant grin, “aren’t i just the same?”
Relationships: Moon Taeil/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 14
Kudos: 57





	a goldfish in a bowl

**Author's Note:**

> (english isn’t my native language so excuse any grammatical errors)
> 
>  **a few heads ups** : description of strong sense of feeling lost, mildly graphic reference of medical procedures, a very brief hint of violence done by oc

_tuesday, first week._

taeil wakes up with a start.

his limbs feel paralyzed for a few seconds before he gains back his control over them. eyes greedily take in everything within peripheral, mind abuzz. it takes him few moments to realize that he has been staring at the ceiling. he is weirdly feeling out of place, head full of loud noises yet too quiet on his ears at the same time. he allows himself to close his eyes on two counts, _breath in breath out_.

now that he feels a bit calmer he notices the fluttering dust floating across the room, it is shining under the creeping light which comes through the big window on his left. turning his head to the direction which the light comes from, it is just then he notices the new day is coming. mindlessly, he sees the streak of indigo and orange splashed across the sky with the hint of white telling him that the sun is climbing up following its natural path. he turns his head to the ceiling again, mind still racing though not as wild as he when first woke up. he can’t seem to focus on one thing and he feels mentally tired, even pushing himself up to sit on the edge of the bed feels like a chore. his eyes catch the flashing weak red of the digital clock on the bedside table, it shows _6:09_.

the touch of soft rug under his feet brings his attention onto it. he curls and uncurls his toes, _two times_ , wanting to feel more. the rug is light brown in color and upon noticing it, it registers to him just now that he feels entirely unfamiliar with the space he is in. suddenly the bed he is sitting on becomes unfamiliar too, two fluffy pillows, a thick comforter, and dark grey sheet. there is a darker stain on one pillow where he laid his head on not long ago, he guesses it is his sweat considering the state when he woke up. the bed situation very much having the trace of his habitation in it, he learns, yet he feels like he doesn’t own them all.

alarmed, he lets his eyes wander to his surroundings. the pale cream walls of the room strange and unfamiliar. there is a humongous wooden book rack standing proudly in the corner of the room. from where taeil still stays rooted on the bed his eyes catch the words written on the spine of some book. _nelson textbook of pediatrics_ , it reads, and _neonatology_ stands beside it. they do nothing but bring more sense of unfamiliarity onto him, he also notices the portrait he lands his eyes onto, bearing a couple whose faces are foreign to him yet he feels like he should have known. he brings his feet towards it, wanting to get a closer look. before he even manages to reach it, he is stopped in his tract, distracted by the reflection on his right. two round dark brown eyes, high cheekbones, thick set of eyebrows, a mop of black hair typically unkempt, face features sharp on some parts but soft and round around the edges, they are all unfamiliar.

he doesn’t recognize the reflection which is staring back at him.

blood running cold, he turns his head back to the portrait on the book rack, realizing one of the faces shares the same features with the one he just saw in the mirror. there is also another portrait of the very same person. despite his racing mind, he concludes that the person in the picture is _him_ and he is in _his_ own room. yet _still_ it doesn’t stop the questions which are swarming in his head from stumbling out of his mouth in terrified whispers.

_where am i?_ and most importantly, _who am i?_

his head zeroes before turning back on into miles per second, suddenly the walls of the room were suffocating him. his knee weakens, question upon question forming in his exhausted mind. so he gathers all the strength he has left to slip out of the room, wanting to get answers, thinking that maybe there will be somebody who knows all of them out there. his feet brings him to the spacious living room, it is dark and quiet, save for the monotonous low buzz of the fridge on the kitchen which is linked to the room, other than that there is no hint of living people. taeil realizes, he is _alone_ and he feels so unimaginably lost. he shifts from one foot to the other, the restlessness of his mind has grown so big it manifests on his body, he tries to hold himself together from breaking down, tries to be calm, tries to contemplate, tries to just _think._

before he can break on the run out of anxious fit away from the place he is in, the front door of the apartment suddenly opened, giving a way for a tall figure of man to come in. taeil failed to hear the door being unlocked, so he just stands frozen, scared. mind running ever so wilder as he is thinking of the negative possibilities. his desire to know of his whereabouts, of his _who abouts_ flies out of the window. but the more he observes the man, the less likely he seems like a person he should be terrified of.

exhaustion clear on his step, the dark green scrub the man wearing is crumpled. from where taeil is standing he can notice the droopy eyes behind the wire rimmed glasses—almost slipped off of the man’s strong nose, there is a white coat hanging on his arm. with the help of the light coming from the kitchen taeil tries hard to make out the tiny characters sewn on the fabric, they are bearing the name of the man.

_suh youngho._

taeil keeps his eyes on the man— _youngho—_ silently following his every move. youngho is going to the kitchen, unaware of him who is standing rigid on the dark living room. taeil sees him opening the fridge door taking out a water bottle and drinking straight out of it. there is something about the man’s face that gets taeil feeling like how he did when he saw the portrait few moments ago, taeil doesn’t recognize his face _at all_ yet he feels like he should have known this person. after putting back the water bottle, youngho closes the fridge door with a gentle nudge of his shoulder, then proceeds to drag his feet towards taeil’s direction—which taeil belatedly realizes there is a room beside the one he came out from. taeil tries his best not to make himself known, still standing as rigid and feeling no less terrified. but he should have known that it is impossible. youngho, who keeps his eyes down, stops in his track upon noticing his unmoving bare feet. he can see the man slowly lifts his head up, eyes rapidly blinks few times before widening in recognition and hint of confusion. taeil holds his breath, fingers on the hem of his pajama tightens.

“taeil?”

taeil can’t respond, not with all the things— _the confusion_ —he experiences in span of less than an hour. _he doesn’t even know if the name he just heard is his name for god’s sake._ he has yet found his answers. but maybe, _maybe_ the man in front of him has them all, _maybe_ he _knows_ all the answers to his questions. youngho must have had noticed the growing restlessness within him, for his expression changes to the concerned one, also seems more awake than when he got into the house. he asks carefully trying not to spook taeil, as if he would flee out, “are you okay?”

realizing silence won’t bring him anywhere, taeil wills the lump on his throat down before opening his mouth, he lets out a soft, croaked,

_“who are you?”_

***

_friday, first week._

taeil discovers that he still remembers the wound suturing procedure.

it is enough to assure him that he still remembers the stuff he learned from school, the basic ones at least. he has memory problems which costs him his memory that was formed shortly before his amnesiac condition developed, youngho explained as the brunette fetched him a glass of water a couple days ago.

after giving him the glass, he brought taeil to sit on the sofa in the living room and then disappeared into his room before coming back bringing a thick album with navy colored cover. the sun had completely risen that time, its light illuminated the room. taeil silently eyed the album as youngho flipped through the pages. he stopped and handed the album to him. carefully looking at his expression, he asked,

“do you know them?”

taeil’s eyes caught a family portrait where youngho’s index finger pointed at, he recognized that there was him in grey sweater in the picture, “mom, dad, and jinah.” he trailed off, surprised despite himself that he could recall his family. youngho gave him a small smile.

more pages flipped later, he learned that his name is moon taeil and he is pediatric resident of two years, he has been living in a unit he shares with youngho, his friend of five years, who is also a resident himself but the brunette applied in emergency medicine department. he finds out that he only remembers his family and stuff from school. his memory skipped a big part of his life.

“retrograde amnesia,” he muttered softly after taking in what youngho had explained.

the other man looked down into his laps, not agreeing nor correcting what he concluded. youngho still had his small smile intact, and drew small circles on his thigh, “your memory at present only lasts in span of approximately one month,” taeil thought he knew what that meant, he would be unaware of his own self again at the start of the month, he would be a new person again when the new moon came.

taeil thought he heard a sad lilt in youngho’s voice.

because of his condition taeil is registered in emergency room duty to help in handling light cases for the first week. after the visit to dr. park yesterday—accompanied by youngho—without so much hassle he is cleared to start today, which makes taeil thankful since he doesn’t want to take a sick leave and stay idle with his current amnesiac condition, it will only make him miserable. the doctor with fatherly aura said to him it’s intended to be a form of occupational therapy. like what he is currently doing right now, suturing a wound, which gets him feeling ecstatic for finding out that he really doesn’t forget what he has learned years ago.

a 40 years old man comes into the er with chief complaint having difficulty in walking, with a history of getting a deep cut in his right feet while working in the field. thinking the wound wasn’t that serious, the man admits he didn’t tend to it properly, until it is swollen full of pus and he felt pain shot up his leg when walking. his vital signs all are normal and thankfully the crt— _capillary refill time_ in his injured feet, too, is still considered normal despite the deep wound. after the wound assessment completed, the patient is concluded to be given wound suture and administered antibiotic and some analgesic to relieve the pain.

the nurses and doctors in the hospital have been nothing but friendly and attentive towards him while he is familiarizing himself with the building and the people, learning what he has forgotten and trying to get back on track. youngho has helped him memorizing the faces of whom he would be working with two days before. and he’s excessively grateful for the kind treatment he’s receiving from everyone around him. he wonders if all of them actually know about him and his condition. _how many times did my mind actually reset?_

“of course everyone knows about you, you’re everyone’s favorite.” donghyuck, an intern, says to him after he voices out his thought. there is a bottle of saline and hydrogen peroxide in either of his hands, the young man is assisting him in tending the patient after insisting he has finished his work and has nothing better to do.

taeil hums in acknowledgment, not really having a good response for that. his left hand, holding a surgical forceps, carefully handles the small necrotic tissue formed in the edges of the wound. with the metzenbaum in his right hand, he neatly cut it—after injected an anesthetic around the injured area a few moments ago.

“saline, please.” he’s eyeing the fresh blood oozing out a little from the healthy tissue.

donghyuck pours the substance over the wound, and then he did the same with hydrogen peroxide on his other hand. taeil waited for the substance to work— _debridement_ —cleaning and getting rid of the potential living microorganisms on the wound. from the corner of his eyes, he catches donghyuck inhales like he is about to say something. taeil beats him to it.

“saline again, please,” and “was i different person the month before?”

deeming the wound has been thoroughly cleaned, taeil makes a move to take the suture. “it’s the fourth time, doc, and i can safely say you’re always the same dr. moon i know, just a little forgetful.” and the caramel haired boy has the audacity to wink at him.

taeil is thankful that the boy acts around him as if he doesn’t have an injured lobe up his head, he lets out a little chuckle.

***

_wednesday, second week._

lee taeyong happens to be one among a handful taeil can remember.

the first time taeil sees him this month—ever since the fourth reset—it is faster for his mouth to let out his childhood best friend’s name than his mind can process. _lee taeyong?_ bewilderment and curiosity clear as if he’s not sure with his own mind and afraid that it will betray him. recognizing taeyong makes taeil wonders, until which point of his life he can remember, like there must be a starting point where his memory skipped. taeil wonders how far is that.

taeil remembers going on bicycle ride with taeyong to the nearest swimming pool to their neighborhood one summer, taeil remembers abundant amount of band aids which were littering taeyong’s knees, legs, fingers, getting damp because of the water. but now he finds him—in his doctor coat dotted with colorful animal shaped enamel pins, dark green scrub, stethoscope snug inside the pocket—standing in the pediatric department call room.

taeyong has enough time to turn into his direction before taeil is against him. he doesn’t waste much time to reciprocate the embrace. taeil squeezes him a little, “you’re here.”

taeyong softly laughs, “i’ve always been here.” he rubs little circles onto taeil’s back.

“oh.. right.” taeil murmurs sadly.

“hmm?” taeyong gently pulls away, smiling warmly. “how are you feeling?” he asks as he gestures taeil to sit down on the available sofa.

taeil wipes his clammy left hand on his own white pristine coat before playing with it, “better than the first week,” he pauses, “but no less confused,” a deep sigh is heard, “and frustrated.”

“this is the fourth time, isn’t it?”

without saying it out loud, taeil knows what taeyong is implying, “according to donghyuck ( _do you know him? i do_ ), yeah it is… i don’t know…”

a hand placed gently onto his left shoulder, “taeil, you know you can trust me, don’t you?”

taeil whips his head quick and he’s met with a gentle gaze, “i know.”

“you can ask me anything, i hope it can be some help in bringing back your memories.”

taeil notices the cat shaped enamel pin has cute design, in contrast with murky green frog enamel pin beside it. taeyong is still looking at him attentively. a grateful smile pulls the corners of taeil’s lips.

***

_monday, third week._

taeil finds more bits about himself.

the hospital cafeteria is deserted that noon, save for a group of four nurses sitting in the corner table chatting idly, given that it has already passed the lunch rush hour. taeil has been observing the cafeteria aunt skillfully clearing up the food trays on the showcase when taeyong comes up to him bringing bottled drinks on both of his hands. he puts a cola one in front of him before sitting on the chair across taeil. taeil wordlessly watches as taeyong makes a move to open the bottle cap of a pink colored drink and gulps its content greedily. he can only imagine the amount of sugar the beverage contains, he internally winces.

“what?” taeyong asks him, not bothering to wipe off the droplets on the corners of his mouth.

taeil shrugs, “nothing.”

he shifts his eyes looking behind taeyong where he catches a little girl with her dad entering the cafeteria. the girl has a tight grip on her father’s pants before cutely starting to tug on it few times trying to get the man’s attention, probably wanting something. taeil stares at the heartwarming exchange between the father and daughter for few moments, a small fond smile spreads across his face.

taeyong must have noticed it for he turns in his seat to look at what has been consuming his attention. he faces taeil back but eyes on the bottle he’s twirling in his hand. he finishes his drink in one go before saying, “you have always been fond of kids.”

“i am.” taeil agrees.

taeyong smiles at him, “you told me that was probably one of reasons which made you applied the residency to this department.” he nods to the cola in front of him before lightly adding, “drink up, bought it for you.”

taeil grabs the bottle and he’s met with wet surface as the condensation accumulated on it, “thanks.”

“it was your favorite,” taeyong tells him. he has been doing this since last week, blurting out bits about taeil pre-amnesiac at any chances given. “you used to always have that with poptarts as a small breakfast before going on morning patient rounds in every of your night shifts.”

taeil grimaces a bit, “i did?”

“oh yeah, prof. choi used to scold you after she found out this habit of yours, then she even brought some breakfast meals for everyone in the department few times. quoting her, _we as physicians also have to pay attention to our nutrition intake_. she’s really a good person.”

there’s a sound of a bottle being uncapped, “i did that since it was effective i guess?”

“yeah!” taeyong exclaims and then breaks into small giggles, probably remembering a funny episode, “i remember you sheepishly told her exactly just that and her reaction was priceless. in next few moments, you were like a spoiled 6 years old brat getting scolded. not judging you though, i can relate.”

taeil scoffs before taking a swig of his cola. “careful.” taeyong says to him, “don’t want you get a brain freeze.”

_brain freeze._

taeil stuns a little. _oh_ how he wishes he could exchange the pain of when he tries to recalls things and the pain of guilt when facing some part of his life he can’t remember with a _brain freeze_. it’s undeniable that taeil feels a little pang of guilt even when taeyong talks about his anecdotes like he did just now. but some days it just feels a bit more unbearable that he wishes he could exchange it with something else. and a brain freeze just seems like a good idea. considering some part of his brain is broken, might as well it’s frozen all over so he won’t be able to feel any guilt, just a sharp cold strike to the core of his skull.

some guilt goes like this,

taeil was eating alone in the hospital cafeteria when he saw two figures approaching him, both bringing their own food tray. taeil recognized the caramel haired boy as it was donghyuck, but for the other boy walking beside him taeil could only come up with zero idea. a food tray placed in front of taeil stopped him midway picking up the yellow pickled radish. he looked up and met with donghyuck’s bright grin.

a bubbly, “taeil hyung! may i join?”

“sure?” he said, a bit unsure. donghyuck cheered a little and proceeded to pull back the chair across him before sitting down which made his hair bounced adorably while doing so. he moved his gaze to the other boy who had already seated beside donghyuck, taeil offered him a little nod and an unsure smile when he caught that the boy was looking at him. he got a soft smile in return.

“hello taeil hyung, i’m jungwoo.”

feeling bad for not recognizing the boy, taeil timidly answered, “hello jungwoo, i’m taeil.” it even left him that he said his own name even though the boy—jungwoo had already known.

a small giggle was heard, “i know.”

“i’m sorry.”

“no, don’t be, hyung.” jungwoo sincerely said, taeil was enthralled by the genuineness he could see in the boy’s eyes, “seeing you healthy is enough for me.”

before taeil could come up with something to respond that, donghyuck suddenly broke into an animated talk about the day he had in psychology department making jungwoo’s attention shifted to him. taeil smiled down to his half-finished meal and then joined the conversation.

taeil feels extremely sorry that when people who know him looking at him, they will still see the taeil they have always known, but taeil now can only look at them as strangers, acquaintances at best, with zero memory of knowing them before. and when he tries to remember, he’s only met with excruciating pain to his head. it frustrates him as much as it makes his heart aches with guilt. sometimes it results to a fist through his hair and silent tears streaming down his cheeks as he hides away in his room, too scared to give another blank stare to the people he doesn’t remember.

and there is youngho.

taeil knows that youngho tries his best to be always there assisting him in familiarizing memories he has forgotten, helping him in learning his friends’ names and personalities, as well as always making sure for him to feel comfortable. the taller man somehow always manages to make his presence being the comfort taeil needs, for taeil sometimes finds him sitting in their small dining table—two mugs bearing a steaming tea placed in front of the brunette—as he comes out of his room after crying his frustration out. it almost seems like youngho is giving him space and waiting for the time taeil needs him of his aid. and when taeil finally slips into the chair across youngho, he will warmly smile at him, offer him the tea and engage him with some talks. the brunette never forces him to say anything, and taeil is glad. soon, the misery which sits heavily in taeil’s chest is gradually eased up as he engrosses himself in youngho’s stories and the way his eyes glint under the warm light of the lamp.

***

_wednesday, third week._

taeil is gifted a goldfish.

it is a slow afternoon in the er when taeil is paged to attend a child patient. he quickly slides into the appointed ward and finds a boy, seemingly not older than 6 years old, obediently laying down in silent despite an intern and a nurse surrounding him doing some procedures. taeil notices the little boy clutching a clear plastic bag closely into his chest, not really giving an attention as the nurse put some gauzes onto his bleeding knee. the intern must have felt his presence as he turns around facing taeil’s direction, politely nods his head and proceeds to inform him about the patient.

“6 years old male, gcs 15, coming to the er around 10 minutes ago with profuse bleeding in left knee. He came with his mother who said that the patient had a terrible fall after getting tripped in pedestrian path just today. seems like he’s landed on rocky surface, given the deep cut of the wound. all vital signs are normal. no signs of fractured bone too, doc.”

taeil nods approvingly, “any history of head or chest trauma?”

“from the heteroanamnesis with the mother, she claimed the patient doesn’t have any history of head or chest trauma. patient also doesn’t really give any pain complaints.”

taeil puts on a pair of sterile latex gloves after rubbing his hands with antiseptic hand gel which is installed on the foot of the exam bed. he makes a move to inspect the wound firsthand. it seems like he has to do another wound stitching. he straightens up and turns to the intern.

taeil flicks his gaze quick to the young man’s left chest where his id located, bearing a name _lee minhyung,_ “we will do a wound suture procedure first, inform the mother. and ask for the informed consent too, please.” minhyung complies and goes to the worried looking woman waiting not far from the ward.

“please prepare the suture set.” taeil tells the nurse.

the little boy is looking at him when taeil finally turns his attention to him, he gives the boy a warm smile and a greeting, “hello, i’m taeil and i will be your doctor today. it seems like we have to fix your leg up. are you okay with that?”

without so much fuzz the boy confidently answers with cute nods, “i’m okay.”

taeil’s smile widens at that. he only notices now that the plastic bag the little boy has been clutching contains a lone goldfish. taeil sees how the boy doesn’t move much as he doesn’t want to accidentally slosh the water around, keeping a careful arm around the plastic bag.

“it may be hurt a bit. but don’t worry we will give you a medication first which can numb the pain in your leg until the process finishes, alright?”

the boy gives him a cautious smile, “yes.”

the sounds of a couple of patients urgently rolled into the er makes taeil pause midway twisting the suture thread he’s currently handling, he makes sure for it to be tied securely before lifting his head to the scene being unfolded there. from the spot taeil is standing, he can guess it is a traffic accident case. soon enough he can hear some rushes as the emergency medicine residents emerge into the room. he catches youngho’s voice for the man is taking a command of the situation. taeil picks up the needle holder again. he still has a patient to be fixed.

youngho is thoroughly scrubbing his hands with the disinfectant soap when taeil walks toward the hand-washing station. the taller man whips his head to taeil’s direction out of sudden catching taeil off guard. taeil offers him a tight smile.

rub hands palm to palm with applied soap, followed by right palm over left dorsum with interlaced fingers and vice versa. “tough case?” taeil starts. the next step is palm to palm with fingers interlaced, make sure to do it meticulously.

youngho hums, “they are stable for now. hopefully will be okay.” the fifth step is backs of fingers to opposing palms with fingers interlocked. continued by rotational rubbing of left thumb clasped in right palm and vice versa. “how about you?” the taller turns off the faucet in front of him and shifts to the hand dryer.

next is rotational rubbing, backwards and forwards with clasped fingers of right hand in left palm and vice versa. taeil shrugs a little, “eh, just another wound stitching.” he rinses his hands under the running water, repeating the steps once again.

a small chuckle youngho lets out worms its way into taeil’s ears, down to his chest making it feel warm, “good job today too.” and two gentle pats landed on taeil’s back.

“doctor taeil!”

taeil stops on his track in the hallway just outside of the er at the mention of his name. it is the little boy with the goldfish, he is approaching taeil with careful steps. rubber insoles glide across the meticulously cleaned floor. the boy is cleared to be let home as there’s no other serious injury. taeil gets down on his knees to meet the boy’s eyes.

“this is for you.” he hands taeil the plastic bag with the goldfish. the orange colored creature leisurely dances around in the water.

“isn’t this yours?” taeil asks instead. from the corner of his eye, taeil catches the mother standing not far behind them, watching them with fondness in her mien.

“yes, but i want to give this to you. as a thank you.”

taeil opens his both palms as he receives the gift, “thank you.” he sincerely says, a bright smile spreads across his face.

the boy nods adorably, his bobbing hair shines under the hospital lamps which are lining the ceiling. “promise me, you will be more careful next time?” taeil holds out his pinky finger and wriggles it in front of the boy.

the gesture draws an amused giggle from the boy, “i promise.” he entwines his finger with taeil’s and seals it with thumb stamp.

“good bye, doctor.” the boy says as he turns back to his mother. taeil straightens up and politely bows to her which is returned. she mouths a genuine thank you.

***

_saturday, third week._

taeil starts having dreams.

fuzzy dreams of memories of the life he has forgotten. yet before he can manage to grasp them fully he will wake up to his pale cream ceiling. but one thing he knows, he thinks he always sees youngho in each of his dreams. sure, there would be taeyong too, or donghyuck, or jungwoo, or yuta whom taeil just learned last week as the man taeyong seeing and also youngho’s close friend from his department. but youngho is the one who appears the most. it makes taeil realize that he doesn’t know youngho more than the fact that he is his flatmate and the one who helps taeil most of the time.

taeil wonders what kind of person youngho is, since he never talks much about himself. whenever taeil tries to bring up his dreams—hoping youngho will tell him more about the memories taeil had with him—in their talks the taller will subtly steer him away from it. it gives taeil the impression that youngho avoids telling what kind of person he was to taeil before. it feels like he’s hiding about himself from taeil. and taeil is not sure what to feel about it because every time he attempts to remember youngho himself, it will be the same pain he gets, denying him of his own memories.

“i’ve been having dreams lately, yong.” taeil says that evening.

he and taeyong are walking down the neighborhood near the hospital wanting to grab a dinner together. there’s a good samgyeopsal place they used to frequent, again according to taeyong. the place is bit secluded and needs some walk a bit far from main street.

taeyong curls further into his jacket and shoves both of his hands into the pockets as the night spring breeze washes over them, “tell me more about it.”

taeil clears his throat, “just fuzzy memories, like disorganized flashes of my life. i never had the vivid one, though.” he nods to a middle-aged woman they happen to pass by, he gets a gentle smile in return. “what i remember is that youngho seems to appear in almost all of the dreams.”

taeyong leads him to turn left at an intersection and the board indicating the place they’re going to comes into his sight, “youngho?”

“yeah.” taeil runs his fingers through his hair, "now that i think about it, i don’t know much about him neither does he tell me memories i had with him. and i think he is avoiding me."

taeyong lets out a noise of disbelief, "wh-" but before he finishes, taeil quickly adds, "no, wait i mean. he’s avoiding me in sense that he’s hiding about himself from me.”

taeyong stays silent in his steps seemingly in deep thoughts, until they arrive in front of the diner. taeil can only follow behind him when they are being ushered into the corner table by a waitress. walking through preoccupied tables, each having their own festive. it is when the waitress leaves them after preparing the griller taeyong starts to speak up again, “what makes you say that?”

the water stain in the table becomes obvious under neon light perched on the wall beside them, taeil makes a move to trail along its edges with his finger, “i actually tried telling him the dreams, and maybe he would come up with stories which can confirm and make me remember. but no, i noticed that he would always tense up a little and then try to subtly change the topic. i don’t know, i just can tell that he’s avoiding,” a sigh, “it feels like he distances himself from me yet always manages to be there for me, if that even makes sense?”

taeyong lightly taps the table making an unstructured rhythm, “if it feels like he’s pulling away, it’s probably because he only wishes to make you comfortable,” he carefully tries, “he cares a lot about you, taeil. well, we all do. but perhaps he has his own reasons.”

the waitress comes back bringing their orders, she also skillfully cutting the pork belly strips into bite size and setting them up on the griller. over the sizzling meat, taeil takes in what taeyong has just said to him. _yeah_ , perhaps youngho really does have his own reasons. reasons which taeil probably will never get the chance to know, not with the condition if he resets again next month. _how cruel is it that he isn’t allowed the privilege to remember the life he has lived?_

taeil decides to let the thoughts drop for now as taeyong starts softly chanting an excited, “let’s eat! let’s eat!” there’s a perilla leaf ready on his left hand while his right hand busy flipping the meat. taeil picks up his own chopsticks.

amidst taeyong’s gushes about yuta and many meat wraps, youngho slips into taeil’s mind again. those gentle pats in the er a couple days ago, taeil’s heart lurches. he wonders why.

***

_sunday, third week._

taeil discovers youngho at the balcony that is connected to the living room, sitting only with thin layer of pajamas cladded his body.

“it seems like going to be a bright day.” taeil remarks as he settles down beside the taller, joining him in watching the sky that has the dawn approaching. he cradles a pastel green mug containing a warm tea in both his hands. youngho wordlessly acknowledges his presence if the small smile which pulls the corners of his lips is anything to go by. the silence falls between them.

there is no a single sound other than the chirps of birds that sounds like it’s from a distance away. it feels like everything around them is still tucked safely under the comfort of their quilt, sound asleep. reluctant to end their night just yet. “tea?” taeil softly offers.

“later.” youngho answers in equally soft voice. the chilly air of the morning draws a shudder out of taeil’s body. he regrets he doesn’t bring a thick blanket with him, yet he’s gotten too comfortable in the spot he’s sitting to move. the first sunray reaches the sky. taeil has a question.

“i heard from taeyong you used to love coffee, but as long as i remember,” he’s amused at himself, “i never see you drink one neither do we have a stock of it in the kitchen cabinets.”

youngho gives a hum of affirmation, “i still love it actually.”

taeil turns his head sideways to look at youngho, he puts his mug down beside him as he folds his legs and brings them closer to his chest. “so why did you stop? finally realizing it’s not good to be dependent on the caffeine?” he mock-teases.

youngho lets out a chuckle, “not sure about that, i’m just trying to let go.”

a pair of eyebrows shoot up taeil’s forehead, intrigued “hmm?”

youngho takes a moment to elaborate, he keeps his head facing forward as he watches the sky gets brighter. seems like allowing himself a few seconds to encapsulate the sun rays which are timidly pouring onto the ground behind his eyes. a smell of stir-fried vegetables wafting through taeil’s nostrils, the neighbor next door must have started their day so early. youngho turns towards him, locking his eyes with his own and a sad smile, “maybe if i let go of the thing that i love and is precious to me, it can help bringing back some of yours.”

taeil finds himself reaching out to squeeze youngho’s shoulder and lets his hand stay on it for bit longer. youngho makes a move to place his hand on top of his before bringing it down, he doesn’t let go. taeil’s mind darts to the goldfish he’s been keeping in the bowl, its delicate tail swaying in the water.

“have you heard a fact about goldfish?” the pads of youngho’s fingers are rough, bit wrinkly from how many times he wears surgical gloves, a silent witness of his hard works to achieve inserting intubations in one shot under three minutes.

“goldfish?”

the warm sun light which is creeping up taeil’s left cheek gives him a sense of comfort, “it has been said that goldfish only has seven seconds of memory,” taeil stares at youngho’s fingers which are fumbling with his own, “after seven seconds, everything becomes new again.” the movement on his hand stops.

taeil eyes youngho warily, he gives the taller hesitant grin, “aren’t i just the same?”

the golden hour rays are reflected on youngho’s irises, it makes it seem like honey is stored in youngho’s eyes. taeil may not be able to remember a lot of things, but he knows that he wants to keep this one for a long time.

***

_thursday, fourth week._

it is the visit to the emergency medicine department floor which brings taeil to find out about youngho.

in taeil’s right hand hanging a paper bag bringing a container full of hand-pulled dough soup, homemade from scratch. it is taeyong’s. the auburn haired man told him a few days ago that he wanted to bring yuta a lunch. but his excited steps out of the pediatric department call room gets halted as he is paged to handle a patient down the ward, postponing his lunch break. so he asks for taeil’s help instead to deliver the meal to yuta.

according to the nurse he passes by in the hallway, yuta is in the call room. taeil makes a way to the end of the hallway. as he reaches the door, he hears voices mentioning his name. the hand that is about to knock the door hovers in the air.

“taeyong told me few days ago you’re avoiding taeil.” taeil guesses the voice as yuta’s.

“i’m not!” comes youngho’s protest.

a sigh is heard, “ok, i will take that but when are you going to be open to him, youngho?” yuta sounds exasperated, as if this has been going on for a long time. “i figured that when you said you would do it last month you’d want to do it this time.”

“i can’t. i just can’t bring myself to.” youngho sounds very sad.

a nurse who walks by taeil bows a little as a greeting, taeil bows too in return. he may seem weird standing still in front of call room door. he shifts and leans his back onto the wall just beside the door. “it’s difficult for me, the more time i stay with him, the more i desperately try to fix the ache in my chest from missing him so much. i look at him and he appears just like the love of my life. he has his beautiful eyes, his pretty smile, and the same adorable laugh, but every new month he would look at me like he doesn’t recognize me at all. there’s only so many blank stares i can bear to take yuta.”

“he’s never going to remember you or learn to love you again if you aren’t being open with him, i have told you this.” taeil fidgets on his feet at yuta’s words

a pause, “i keep my feelings to myself because i don’t want to overwhelm him, make him feel guilty. i will remember us for him. what i’m feeling towards him isn’t priority now, i need him healed first. if it wasn’t not because of me he-”

“hey.” taeil’s brows furrow at yuta’s tone of voice. “you’re still beating yourself up regarding of what happened to him, youngho. stop, don’t do this to yourself. it wasn’t your fault. you couldn’t have predicted this.”

“had i not been so adamant asking him to go volunteering with me, had i not let him going alone despite the dangerous situation that day, he wouldn’t have gotten hold hostage, and he wouldn’t have been hurt.” taeil’s chest lurches at the sound of guilt which is latched heavily into youngho’s voice.

“or both of you could have been hurt and neither of you would have made it out at all.”

taeil slowly puts down the paper bag on the door step, hoping either of the men inside will find it when they open the door of the room. he can just tell taeyong that yuta has received it if he asks him later. taeil wipes his hands over his coat before turning around and moving away. he feels like he can’t breathe as he walks through the halls towards the lift.

***

_monday, fifth week._

taeil dreams of his hands being held when he is asleep.

taeil thinks he hears a soft click of door to his room, followed by quiet shuffle of steps against the carpeted floor. there’s a presence lingering beside him by the bed but his mind is too hazy to register, deep in slumber. his eyelids stay securely closed. a whiff of familiar fabric softener scent tells him it is youngho. _he comes again into the dream._ taeil stirs a little finding a comfortable position by laying on his side. his arms bit held out. then silence.

there’s a pleasant pressure added to taeil’s hands, like they are being held. the pressure slides a bit towards his wrist, youngho seems to find a comfort when his thumb presses against taeil’s pulse point and feels the faint throb of a steady beat. taeil sinks into his pillow further. he grips the hand which is holding him back. it is safe and warm when he is with youngho.

a whisper, “i’m sorry.” again, “i’m sorry about everything.”

“i’m still thinking that i am the one who was at fault. it’s hard not to when it could have been avoided, had i not been so stubborn and annoying,” youngho lets out a muffled forlorn chuckle, “and then you’re the one who is paying the price.”

“tomorrow,” youngho takes a shuddered breath, “tomorrow you might be gone again.”

fingers gently move against taeil’s fringe, shifting it aside, “so, i want you to know that i love you so much, and nothing will ever change that.” youngho’s voice grows quiet. “sorry that i can’t tell you yet.”

“even if you would forget me again, i will always remember you. i will remember us for you.”

taeil’s hand being brought closer to youngho, not long until a kiss placed on the back of his hand. youngho then carefully puts his hand down. the hands that has been enveloping his disappear.

there’s a rustle as youngho gets up to leave, but then taeil feels a pair of lips being pressed on top of his forehead. youngho fixes the blanket that is draping on his torso. the body heat radiating from youngho is calming.

taeil unconsciously brings his hands close to his chest. this time he has his dream so vivid.

***

_tuesday, fifth week._

taeil wakes up with a start.

his head spins a little at how quick he sits up. he hastily removes the blanket that has been wrapping him. the flashing weak red of the digital clock on the bedside table shows _6:02_. he slides off his bed and runs outside, eyes flitting here and there taking in his surroundings. outside his room, his eyes catch a man sitting on the sofa not far from where he’s standing. the man lifts his head at the sound of taeil’s steps, a concern written all over his face.

“i…” taeil starts.

a deep breath heaved before the man steps forward, carefully approaching him, “hey, good morning. i’m not a bad person with ill intention. in fact, i’m your friend although you might have forgotten. your name is moon taeil and my name is-“

“suh youngho.” taeil breathes.

youngho’s face is blank for few seconds before it contorts into extreme amount of relief, gratefulness, and maybe a hint of disbelief. he scrambles in trance to grab onto taeil’s arm and proceeds to enclose the smaller man in his arms. he tightly embraces taeil, as if afraid to lose him. taeil runs his hands up youngho’s back. over youngho’s shoulder taeil can see sun light slipping in through the big window of their living room.

_youngho, youngho, youngho,_ the tip of taeil’s nose is snug on the crook of youngho’s neck, taking in a familiar scent. he remembers now.

**Author's Note:**

> *the medical setting is very much a self-indulgence, so i tried not to talk much about it as i wanted it to be a reader-friendly piece. i hope it was alright. i wrote it based on what i’ve learned in school so basically it’s on my own setting. i didn’t have any motivation to do a google search on how hospital in korea works heh
> 
> *i never heard whether taeil’s case in the fic ever happened irl so i guess i wrote it only for the plot purpose T__T
> 
> *shout out to mi for being the support that i always need ily b
> 
> *last but not least, happy birthday youngho!
> 
> thank you for reading, kudos and any feedback are very much appreciated! but please let me know your thoughts! i love it even if it's just incoherent noises in the comments ♡  
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/eunsoap)


End file.
